A man walks into a bar...

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

I will start.

 

Guy walks into a bar and says, "Drinks for everyone, and bartender, pour

one for yourself too." Everyone thanks him and, a few minutes later,

he buys another round for everyone including the bartender. He orders

a third round and the bartender says, "Sure, but please pay for the

first two rounds before I pour the third." The generous guy says,

"Money? I don't have any money." The bartender kicks the crap out of

him and throws him into the street. A few minutes later he comes back

in and says, "Barkeep, drinks for everyone. But not for you. you get

nasty when you're drunk."

[NorthernVike 2,083]

An old lady walks into a bar and says...Tarbender tarbender make me a martoony. The bartender looks at her and makes a martini. She drinks it down and calls out again, tarbender tarbender make me a martoony. The bartender makes her another martini. She drinks it down and calls out, tarbender tarbender I have heartburn do you have any rollaids? By this time the bartender is pixxed, he walks up to the old lady and says...First off old lady, I'm a bartender not a tarbender. Secondly, you're drinking martinis not martoonies and thirdly, you don't have heartburn, your tit is in the ashtry.

[NorthernVike 2,083]

Three strings walk into a bar...

 

They sit down at the counter and the bartender says, "Hey, didn't you see the sign? No Strings Allowed."

 

The strings look over, and, sure enough, there's a "No Strings Allowed" sign hanging near the bar.

 

The strings get up and leave the bar. Two of them walk away, but the third gets an idea. He twists himself around and messes up his hair.

 

He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I told to take a hike?"

 

The string replies...

 

 

 

"No. I'm a frayed knot."

[NorthernVike 2,083]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

 

 

 

 

 

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

 

 

 

 

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

 

 

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

 

 

 

 

 

"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

 

 

 

 

 

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

 

 

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings "

 

 

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

 

 

 

 

 

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The bartender says,

 

"You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

[NorthernVike 2,083]

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

[NorthernVike 2,083]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

 

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

 

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

 

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

 

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

 

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister nikki all the time!"

 

 

[NorthernVike 2,083]

Horse walks into a bar.

 

Bartender says, "So. Why the long face?"

[NorthernVike 2,083]

old maid and a duck walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

 

old maid says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

 

He says, "I was talking to the duck."

 

[parrot 789]

A guy walks into a bar. Half the patrons are playing water pong and the other half are beating up a fag in the alley. A guy walks out of a bar.

[Bert 1,128]

So a Chinese man walks into a bar and yells at the black bartender "N!gga brink me jigga of whiskey." Although pissed he pours the guy a drink. A few minutes later the Chinese man yells out "Nigga another jigga". The bartender has had enough, he pours the guys a drink and tells him he should not be talking to him like that and how would he like it if someone did that to him. The Chinese man suggests they trade places. The bartender agrees and gives his apron to the Chinese man. The bartender walks out and then walks back in and sits at the bar. He then screams "Hey chink bring me a drink!" The Chinese man walks over and says "We no serve n!ggas now get out!"

[NorthernVike 2,083]

In a bar in a remote Alaskan town, Redtodd hears people yell out numbers (#23!, #56, etc.) and then everyone laughs. He asks the guy next to him what's going on, and he says the jokes have been told so many times, people just yell out their numbers instead of retelling them. So he yells out #27! but nobody laughs. The guy next to him says, "Some people can tell a joke, and some people can't."

 

[NorthernVike 2,083]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,

the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and

eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool

table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in

his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you

see what your monkey just did?"

 

"No, what?"

 

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.

Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

 

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and

leaves.

 

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a

drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing

his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it

up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

 

 

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and

eats it.

 

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

 

"No, what?" replied the man.

 

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and

ate them!" said the bartender.

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in

sight, but ever since he had to ###### that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

[jerryskids 6,543]

I can't believe I read all of those NV jokes and not one mention of a ham bush.

[NorthernVike 2,083]

So.... a baby seal walked into a club...

 

 

 

 

 

[NorthernVike 2,083]

I can't believe I read all of those NV jokes and not one mention of a ham bush.

 

 

Blame that biotch nikki

[NorthernVike 2,083]

Skids walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a beer, and another, and another, etc., until finally the bartender asked him to leave. He walks out the side door, and a few seconds later, he walks in the front door, sits down, orders a drink, and the bartender asks him to leave. He gets up, walks out the side door, and comes back in the front door and is asked to leave. This happens about eight more times, and on the ninth, the man exclaims," How many bars do you work in, man?!?!?!?!

[NorthernVike 2,083]

So Jesus walks into a bar and says, "I'll just have a glass of water."

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

So.... a baby seal walked into a club...

 

 

 

 

 

 

A baby seal walks into a bar and says, "I'll take anything except for a Canadian Club".

[NorthernVike 2,083]

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

[NorthernVike 2,083]

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

 

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

 

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.

 

“Hey mister! Sweet shoes!”

 

Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his head, he sips once more.

 

“Hey mister! Cool shirt!”

 

He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.

 

“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”

 

“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”

 

[NorthernVike 2,083]

A baby seal walks into a bar and says, "I'll take anything except for a Canadian Club".

If you don't like my jokes, start your own thread.

 

 

 

 

[NorthernVike 2,083]

Guy walks into a bar and pulls a tiny grand piano out of his pocket. Then he pulls out a little guy who site down and begins to play. "Where'd ya get that?" bartender asks. "I have a magic bottle; you rub it and get a wish," customer replies. Customer agrees to let bartender try it, and pulls a grungy old whiskey bottle from his pocket. Bartender rubs it, and the room fills up with ducks, flying everywhere. "I didn't wish for a million 'ducks'," says bartender. "So, did you think I wished for a ten-inch pianist?"

[NorthernVike 2,083]

Guy walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are A-holes" NothernVike at the end of the bar says "I object to that remark". Guy says "Why, are you a lawyer?" NorthernVike says "No, I'm an A-hole"

 

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

If you don't like my jokes, start your own thread.

 

 

 

 

 

If only they were "your" jokes.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyone can Google, you know.

[NorthernVike 2,083]

Two Texas farmers, RP and Worms, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

 

RP turns to Worms and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

 

Worms thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, RP goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

 

"Logic?" RP says. "What's that?"

 

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

 

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

 

"That's true, I do have a yard."

 

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

 

"Yes, I do have a house."

 

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

 

"Yes, I have a family."

 

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

 

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

 

Excited to take the class now, RP shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Worms at the bar. He tells Worms about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

 

"Logic?" Worms says, "What's that?"

 

RP says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

 

"No."

 

"Then you're a queer... "

 

 

 

:banana:

[NorthernVike 2,083]

If only they were "your" jokes.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyone can Google, you know.

I take it I'm not impressing you with my humor.

[WahooJim 4]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are sitting side-by-side at the bar. They all order beers, which are brought over by the bartender.

 

The Englishman looks in his mug, sees a fly and calls over the barkeep. "My good man, there appears to be an insect in my ale. Would you please bring me a fresh one?"

 

The Irishman also sees a fly in his beer. He looks around sheepishly and quaffs it in a single pull.

 

The Scot looks in his mug and also sees a fly. Enraged, he starts growling and thrashing about before plunging his hand in his mug. He grabs the fly by the wings and shakes it viciously. "Give it back, ya rotten bastard"

[Bishop82 61]

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

 

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

 

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

 

The bartender thought about this for a while.

 

"But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

 

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

[Bishop82 61]

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

 

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

 

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

 

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

 

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

 

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

[Bishop82 61]

A man walks into a bar and sits down and order 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender stunned by this order asks the man, what is the occasion.

 

The man says, "I’m celebrating in a way."

 

The bartender asks the man what hes celebrating.

 

The man smiles and says, "Today I just got my first Blowjob."

 

The bartender says, "Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I`ll buy you another shot. It’s on me!"

 

The man says, "No thanks. If 12 shot`s don’t get the taste out of mouth, nothing will."

[phillybear 366]

A man walks into a bar and approaches an average looking gal.

"How would you like to come home with me? I'll punch you in the throat

and then kick you in the head until you're unconscious.

Then make the sexy time with your ear."

She does not agree to those terms.

 

It'll work some day.

[GobbleDog 976]

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says "sorry we don't serve mushrooms." The mushroom says "why not? I'm a fun guy!?"

[MDC 7,107]

A pirate walks into the bar and he's got a wheel sticking out the crotch of his pants.

 

The bartender says "Hey, you've got a wheel sticking out of your pants!" and the pirate says ....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Aaasrrrrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"

[KSB2424 3,148]

A guy walks into a bar. Half the patrons are playing water pong and the other half are beating up a fag in the alley. A guy walks out of a bar.

[Vikings4ever 538]

A guy walks into the bar. He says "OW!"

[shovelheadt 68]

So a Chinese man walks into a bar and yells at the black bartender "N!gga brink me jigga of whiskey." Although pissed he pours the guy a drink. A few minutes later the Chinese man yells out "Nigga another jigga". The bartender has had enough, he pours the guys a drink and tells him he should not be talking to him like that and how would he like it if someone did that to him. The Chinese man suggests they trade places. The bartender agrees and gives his apron to the Chinese man. The bartender walks out and then walks back in and sits at the bar. He then screams "Hey chink bring me a drink!" The Chinese man walks over and says "We no serve n!ggas now get out!"

 

LMAO..so simple and so funny.

[shovelheadt 68]

A Russian, a Mexican and Texan are sitting beside each other at a bar. The Russian buys a new bottle of Vodka, takes one shot, then smashes the bottle. "Where I come from, this grows on trees". The Mexican buys a brand new bottle of Tequila, takes one shot, then smashes the bottle. "Where I come from, this grows on trees."

 

The Texan shoots the Mexican.

[nikki2200 4]

Before I opened this thread, I knew there were going to be 30 posts from NortherVike.

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

Before I opened this thread, I knew there were going to be 30 posts from NortherVike.

 

 

That's the best that you got, Toots?

 

 

A bear walks into a bar and orders a Rum and ......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coke.

 

The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

A man walks into a bar with a piano entertainer, sits down and orders a beer. The piano player's monkey soon jumps on the bar and urinates in the guy's beer. The guy yells to the piano player, "Hey, do you know your monkey just peed in my beer?" The piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I might remember it!"