A man walks into a bar...

[NorthernVike 2,083]

Before I opened this thread, I knew there were going to be 30 posts from NortherVike.

Did ya happen to catch your name in one of the jokes?

[nikki2200 4]

OK. OK.

 

So drobeski goes into a bar, and he's trying to drink away his problems and he tells the bartender that he's having issues getting an erection. His girlfriend is pissed at him and wants him to take Viagra, but he doesn't want to.

 

The bartender tells him that what he should do is the next time he wants to get it on with his girlfriend, he should slip his fingers between her legs and smell it and the natural pheromones will make his body react and get an erection.

 

So that night, drobeski is laying in bed and decides to give it a try while she's sleeping. He slips his fingers between her legs and then smells them and instantly gets an erection.

 

He wakes up his girlfriend and turns on the light all excited and says, "Look! Look at this!"

 

Drobeski's girlfriend is annoyed and replies, "You woke me up because you have a focking bloody nose?"

 

 

The End.

[nikki2200 4]

Did ya happen to catch your name in one of the jokes?

 

You made one about me? I normally don't read your posts.

 

I'll go read through the wall of your awful jokes.

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

A pregnant woman walks into a bar, and is soon approached by a guy who says, "Can I sit here with you? She says, "No, I'm expecting someone."

[patweisers44 815]

So, this dyslexic guy walks into a bra.....

[Bishop82 61]

NorthernVike walks into a bar and orders a double martini on the rocks.

 

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

 

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

 

NorthernVike replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

[patweisers44 815]

Newbie and Edjr walk into the bar. bartender says "what'll you guys have?"

 

Edjr says: "i'll take a double vodka and redbull and give this dooshbag whatever he wants."

 

Bartender says: " excuse me?"

 

Edjr repeats: "give me a double vodka and redbull and give this dooshbag whatever he wants."

 

Bartender replies: "aren't you afraid your friend is gonna get mad, what with you calling him a dooshbag all the time?"

 

Edjr: "nah..not really worried about it."

 

Bartender: "whatever man"

Bartender(to newbie): "what can i get you?"

 

Newbie: "i'll take a vinegar and water"

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

patweisers44 walks into a bar and orders a moon...

[Bishop82 61]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, NorthernVike! How ya doin?"

 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh! no," says NorthernVike .

 

"He's on my bowling team."

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks NorthernVike if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

 

"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around NorthernVike, and says "Hi NorthernVike. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

 

NorthernVike's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. NorthernVike follows and spots her getting into a cab.

 

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

 

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b!tch tonight, NorthernVike ."

[patweisers44 815]

patweisers44 walks into a bar and orders a moon...

guilty. fock.

[Bishop82 61]

Patweisers comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

 

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

 

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

 

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

 

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

 

The wife is furious. She yells at him,

 

“Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .”

 

Patweisers sighs and says, “It’s started.”

[TD Ryan2 316]

so, naomi, Newbie, nikki, and Old Maid are standing at the stairs of the Pearly Gates waiting to get into Heaven.

St. Peter is atop the stairs with his Bible and Holy Water.

 

Naomi walks up the stairs first and St. Peter says, "have you sinned naomi?"

She replies, "I have St. Peter. I looked at a man's naked p*n!s."

"Oh Heavens", St. Peter replies, "wash your eyes thoroughly in my holy water, and then you may go thru the Gates".

 

Newbie is next. He walks up the stairs and St. Peter says, "have you sinned Newbie?". Newbie ashamedly replies, "I have, St. Peter. I touched a man's naked p*n!s." "Oh Heavens", St. Peter replies, "wash your hands thoroughly in my holy water, and then you may go thru the Gates".

 

nikki is up next. As she's walking up the stairs, Old Maid grabs her, throws her down, and runs up ahead of her. "WHAT are you DOING!" exclaims St. Peter. Old Maid says, "I ain't gargling with that holy water after SHE sticks her ass in it!"

 

:RIMshot:

[NorthernVike 2,083]

Sux walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender looks at him and says gruffly, " All right, pal, I'll let you stay but don't start anything."

[NorthernVike 2,083]

so, naomi, Newbie, nikki, and Old Maid are standing at the stairs of the Pearly Gates waiting to get into Heaven.

St. Peter is atop the stairs with his Bible and Holy Water.

 

Naomi walks up the stairs first and St. Peter says, "have you sinned naomi?"

She replies, "I have St. Peter. I looked at a man's naked p*n!s."

"Oh Heavens", St. Peter replies, "wash your eyes thoroughly in my holy water, and then you may go thru the Gates".

 

Newbie is next. He walks up the stairs and St. Peter says, "have you sinned Newbie?". Newbie ashamedly replies, "I have, St. Peter. I touched a man's naked p*n!s." "Oh Heavens", St. Peter replies, "wash your hands thoroughly in my holy water, and then you may go thru the Gates".

 

nikki is up next. As she's walking up the stairs, Old Maid grabs her, throws her down, and runs up ahead of her. "WHAT are you DOING!" exclaims St. Peter. Old Maid says, "I ain't gargling with that holy water after SHE sticks her ass in it!"

 

:RIMshot:

 

 

:overhead:

[NorthernVike 2,083]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

 

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

 

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

 

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

 

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked Bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

 

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a Bacon tree."

 

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

 

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a Bacon tree."

 

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

 

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a Bacon tree!"

 

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

 

"Pepe.. ees not a Bacon tree. Ees

 

 

Ees

 

 

Ees

 

 

Ees

 

 

 

Ees a ham bush...."

 

 

 

 

 

[BiPolarBear 483]

Aguywalksintoabar he sits down and orders a drink. When the bartender brings the drink, he sees the guy is using his right hand as a sell phone. When the guy see the bartender looking at him he says he had the electronics implanted in his hand. The bartender doesn't believe him and the guy lets the bartender make a call! The bartender is amazed!

 

After a while, the guy gets up to go to the head and the bartender cautions him not to linger because the brothers do their deals back there. After a while, the bartender notices he has not returned. He runs to the head and finds the guy with his pants down and a roll of toilet paper jammed up his rear. The bartender freaks and says that he warned him. The guy says:

 

That's OK man; I'm waiting on a fax!

[edjr 6,578]

Two Texas farmers, RP and Worms, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

 

RP turns to Worms and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

 

Worms thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, RP goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

 

"Logic?" RP says. "What's that?"

 

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

 

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

 

"That's true, I do have a yard."

 

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

 

"Yes, I do have a house."

 

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

 

"Yes, I have a family."

 

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

 

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

 

Excited to take the class now, RP shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Worms at the bar. He tells Worms about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

 

"Logic?" Worms says, "What's that?"

 

RP says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

 

"No."

 

"Then you're a queer... "

 

 

 

:banana:

 

[GobbleDog 976]

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says "Wow, look at that! Where did ya get it?"

 

The parrot says "Africa. There's millions of them."

[zmanzzzz 1]

link

[shotsup 832]

A man walks into a bar and sits down and order 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender stunned by this order asks the man, what is the occasion.

 

The man says, "I’m celebrating in a way."

 

The bartender asks the man what he’s celebrating.

 

The man smiles and says, "Today I just got my first Blowjob."

 

The bartender says, "Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I`ll buy you another shot. It’s on me!"

 

The man says, "No thanks. If 12 shot`s don’t get the taste out of mouth, nothing will."

 

Told it slightly wrong

[shotsup 832]

Bar/drinking jokes and no one uses my name ??? PHAIL

[BiPolarBear 483]

A guy walks into a gay bar and the bartender says:

 

"Welcome back, shotsup!"

[shotsup 832]

A guy walks into a gay bar and the bartender says:

 

"Welcome back, shotsup!"

[NorthernVike 2,083]

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one.

"I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other.

"Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be ... one blood and one blood lite..."

[NorthernVike 2,083]

20 Democrat lemmings walk into a bar. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

 

[Recliner Pilot 61]

Two Texas farmers, RP and Worms, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

 

RP turns to Worms and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

 

Worms thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, RP goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

 

"Logic?" RP says. "What's that?"

 

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

 

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

 

"That's true, I do have a yard."

 

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

 

"Yes, I do have a house."

 

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

 

"Yes, I have a family."

 

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

 

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

 

Excited to take the class now, RP shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Worms at the bar. He tells Worms about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

 

"Logic?" Worms says, "What's that?"

 

RP says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

 

"No."

 

"Then you're a queer... "

 

 

 

:banana:

 

To be funny, every joke needs some truth in it.

[Recliner Pilot 61]

A man walks into a bar on the moon.....................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and trips over a big pile of Northernvike jokes.

[shotsup 832]

A man walks into a bar on the moon.....................

 

and trips over a big pile of Northernvike jokes.

 

 

There are bars on the moon ?

[Inhiding 0]

There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

[Inhiding 0]

Knock, Knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Dave.

 

Dave who?

 

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

[SUXBNME 1,454]

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron?

"Since you’re a neutron?" says the barman, "no charge."

[Drizzay 698]

Okay, so these two black guys walk into a bar, and the bartender looks...

 

Um, so, uh, the bartender looks around and says, uh, “What’ll you two fine gentlemen have?” And, uh, they paid their tab and, and couldn’t have been more courteous.

 

[shotsup 832]

Okay, so these two black guys walk into a bar, and the bartender looks...

 

Um, so, uh, the bartender looks around and says, uh, “What’ll you two fine gentlemen have?” And, uh, they paid their tab and, and couldn’t have been more courteous.

 

 

Fantasy

[NorthernVike 2,083]

An interracial gay couple walks into a bar and the white one says...have you seen my drunk whoora of a daughter nikki?

[shotsup 832]

An interracial gay couple walks into a bar and the white one says...have you seen my drunk whoora of a daughter nikki?

 

He adds cannot miss the man hands

[Flashover 0]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a drink named after you". The grasshopper replies "You have a drink called Steve?"

[gocolts 300]

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer, "Sorry" the bartender replies "we don't serve food here."

[gocolts 300]

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"

[gocolts 300]

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."

[drobeski 3,061]

An eagles and a cowboys fan walk into a bar,

 

Everyone laughs at them