Your thoughts on family members dating.... [Update #3]

[TBayXXXVII 2,351]

... family members of significant others.  I'll explain.

Most of you know that I was 16 when my son was born (if you didn't, you do now), and that his mother OD'd when my son was only a year old.  Now, being a single parent at 17, many years went by and I had many friends and family members try to fix me up with their spouses/significant others' family members.  I've always rejected the idea before they even finished.  As an example, my sister-in-law wanted to fix me up with her sister and at one point, my friend wanted to hook me up with his sister-in-law.  To me, I thought this was a recipe for disaster, so I always nixed the initial attempt.

Back to my son, because that's the actual subject matter.  I just turned 41 recently, my son will turn 25 in 6 weeks.  My girlfriend is 33 (32B).  Her niece is 23, will turn 24 in May.  I think you know where this is going?  My son just texted me and said that he just asked out Paige (gf's niece - yes, they've known each other for years and have texted a lot in the past - not some creepy thing).  My response was "".  That was it.  That was my only response, the emoji.  He asked why and then told me she said yes.

Something that I found humorous.  My gf texted me, literally 1 minute after my son did, and asked if I heard about my son and her niece.  I told her that I just had.  Her response? "".  I laughed.

Anyway, apparently my gf and I are on the same page where we think it's not really a good idea to get involved in a relationship with a person whom both people have family members who are together.  Now, I will concede that it could work because my grandfather and uncle (brothers), married girls who were sisters.  Both were married for over 60 years (til death did they part).  I'm thinking that back it that day (the 40's), it was more popular... but today, I think it's the anomaly.

To note, there's nothing wrong with the two dating per se, it's just the connection.  Any of you have the same note of caution that my gf and I do, or are you more of the mindset of "f**k it... go for it"?

 

UPDATED:  My son AND gf's niece want to come to our house for dinner tonight!!  This should be fun.  They're coming over at 7.  I'll fill you in if anything of not happens.

UPDATE 2:  Ok, this was funny.  So, they both came over to dinner and at first it was going well.  All we really did was just inform them of any pitfalls and awkwardness that could be in the future.  Not something to be scared of, but just something that could arise and they'll have to deal with as adults.  Done.  Everything's great... right?  Wrong.  Dinner at 7, talking throughout, joking and having fun at 8.  Dessert at 9... they're getting ready to leave... and then boom.  A harmless joke that completely undid the last 2 hours and started a 2 hour meltdown.  The harmless joke, not even made by me: "You know, it's kind of funny", my girlfriend said to us.  "In the near future [looking at me - the expectation that we will be getting married], your son will be dating your niece (even though Paige calls me "Uncle" already, I'm not technically her uncle... yet).  Good thing we don't live in Alabama", said in a southern accent.  I laughed, so did my son, but... Paige heard that... and freaked the hell out!

After 2 hours of her freaking out about how people will see them as in an incestual relationship.  How other people will judge them.  On and on about stupid crap.  We almost got her fully refocused, but as of right now, their first date is "on hold, but not cancelled", as she put it.  My gf is going to her brother and sister-in-law's house tonight to talk to them to see if they can convince Paige to look at reason.

[Cdub100 3,653]

You're overthinking this.

[Strike 4,665]

My only concern would be if it doesn't work out.  Do they go to the same family gatherings?  If so, what if it doesn't work out and at some point in the future one of them shows up with a date?  That being said, if they like each other and are willing to take the risk they should.

[TBayXXXVII 2,351]

3 minutes ago, Cdub100 said:

You're overthinking this.

I just think it's a risky move, that's all.  I don't think it's dangerous or catastrophic or anything like that... just that it could lead to a lot of awkwardness in the future.

[Hawkeye21 2,181]

I've seen things like this work before.  It think it's actually more common than most know.  I would advise against it but you can't stop it when two people like each other.

[TheNewGirl 1,177]

Could lead to total awkwardness. 

Could lead to the best love story evah. 

 

[The Elevator Killer 497]

It will lead to a hammerhead looking child that weds fake Karate guys. 

[Hardcore troubadour 13,961]

It’s not like the Biden intrafamily thing. They bang blood relatives in that clan. 

[TBayXXXVII 2,351]

4 minutes ago, Strike said:

My only concern would be if it doesn't work out.

This is where I'm at.

Quote

  Do they go to the same family gatherings?  If so, what if it doesn't work out and at some point in the future one of them shows up with a date?

Yes, he always goes with me to functions with my gf's family.  I mean, he is my son right?  After the gf and I get married, her family will be connected to him so if they date for say 1 year.  My gf and I get married the following, both could be at the wedding with different dates.  Just seems like it would be weird for both of them... and the person they brought.

Quote

  That being said, if they like each other and are willing to take the risk they should.

Reasonable.  I just think it's risky

[Hawkeye21 2,181]

7 minutes ago, TheNewGirl said:

Could lead to total awkwardness. 

Could lead to the best love story evah. 

 

It's a tale as old as time. 

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

I can’t respond Until you answer one obvious question...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can size??!!!!

[5-Points 3,155]

My grandmother and her older sister married my grandfather and his older brother. Both couples had long happy marriages. Never an awkward moment that I recall. 

That said, that was a different time. People tended to get married and stay married through thick and thin. These days people break up over the most trivial things. 

I would explain your apprehension to your son. Let him know you don't think it's a greta idea. Then step back and let things work out however they're going to work out. They may go out on one date and decide they're better off as friends. Or they could find out that they're perfect for each other. 

Just let them both know that if it doesn't work out, you won't be tolerating any buIIshit at family gatherings. 

[TBayXXXVII 2,351]

10 minutes ago, Patriotsfatboy1 said:

I can’t respond Until you answer one obvious question...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can size??!!!!

The niece?  Not sure, but they have to be DD's.

[TBayXXXVII 2,351]

5 minutes ago, 5-Points said:

My grandmother and her older sister married my grandfather and his older brother. Both couples had long happy marriages. Never an awkward moment that I recall. 

That said, that was a different time. People tended to get married and stay married through thick and thin. These days people break up over the most trivial things. 

I would explain your apprehension to your son. Let him know you don't think it's a greta idea. Then step back and let things work out however they're going to work out. They may go out on one date and decide they're better off as friends. Or they could find out that they're perfect for each other. 

Just let them both know that if it doesn't work out, you won't be tolerating any buIIshit at family gatherings. 

I told him this.  My gf did the same with her niece.  Her niece is a great kid and my gf adores my son, so it's not like we think it's a terrible idea... just that things could get awkward.  Told them that if it doesn't work out, so be it.  Just grow up, learn, and move on.  I actually think it would be more awkward for their future significant others more than anything else.  They'll have to prep their new dates about them dating in the past.  What if the guy thinks my son is better looking than he is?  What if my son's date thinks my gf's niece is better looking than her?  Well, I prepped my son that way.  I think my gf said the same to her niece.

[Patriotsfatboy1 1,432]

7 minutes ago, TBayXXXVII said:

The niece?  Not sure, but they have to be DD's.

Then good for him!!

[porkbutt 890]

 

[KSB2424 3,098]

51 minutes ago, Cdub100 said:

You're overthinking this.

ya think?

[Hardcore troubadour 13,961]

Does she have a kid, like a single mom situation? That’s a red flag. 

[5-Points 3,155]

19 minutes ago, TBayXXXVII said:

I told him this.  My gf did the same with her niece.  Her niece is a great kid and my gf adores my son, so it's not like we think it's a terrible idea... just that things could get awkward.  Told them that if it doesn't work out, so be it.  Just grow up, learn, and move on.  I actually think it would be more awkward for their future significant others more than anything else.  They'll have to prep their new dates about them dating in the past.  What if the guy thinks my son is better looking than he is?  What if my son's date thinks my gf's niece is better looking than her?  Well, I prepped my son that way.  I think my gf said the same to her niece.

I think that's about all you can do. They're both adults so ultimately they're going to do what they want to do. You've made sure they're going into it looking at the big picture. 

I wouldn't worry too much about future significant others. Everybody has a past. Deal with it or move on. Those are the options. 

[cmh6476 896]

An Arkansas foursome

[Utilit99 4,099]

Rusty dated his mother for years. The mother birthed a litter of cats as a result.  Then they broke up.

[jerryskids 6,057]

Seems kinda weird to me, but as others have said, they are adults and you can’t stop them.  And you can be thankful that you have the kind of relationship with your son that he would tell you about it, vs. doing it on the sly.

I guess the only thing I’d add is:  if your son can be a playah with the ladies, you might point out that this is not a good situation for that.

[bandrus1 413]

get back to us when you catch your GF with your son

[shorepatrol 1,821]

DD's? Your son should hit that like a screen door in a hurricane. 

[kutulu 1,598]

Sexy time 

[Gepetto 1,182]

What if your son marries your girlfriend's niece, but you and your girlfriend breakup?  Could be awkward, for you.  Just something to think about.  I kid, sorta.

[TBayXXXVII 2,351]

Updated the OP if you're interested.

[Alias Detective 1,296]

15 hours ago, TBayXXXVII said:

The niece?  Not sure, but they have to be DD's.

Gross.  Her back is prolly 40 inches.

[Hawkeye21 2,181]

9 minutes ago, TBayXXXVII said:

Updated the OP if you're interested.

I'm not sure why she freaked out.  Did she not realize that situation before she said yes to dating him?

[TBayXXXVII 2,351]

13 hours ago, bandrus1 said:

get back to us when you catch your GF with your son

That was actually a joke a number of years ago, before I even started dating my gf.  At my son's HS graduation, some people thought we were brothers.  There was a girl in my son's class who had a lot of family members there.  Two of which were her 19 and 22 year old cousins (those two were sisters).  We spent a long time talking to them and my son eventually got the 19 year olds' phone number and agreed to "talk" (kids).  By this point, the 22 year old was putting the full court press on flirting when my son mentioned that I was a physical therapist.  You should have saw her face when my son told her that I was his dad and 34 years old.  Hilarious.  It actually didn't stop her though.  My son ended up dating the 19 year old for about a year.  Because I didn't want to screw anything up for my son, I just distanced myself from the 22 year old.  I certainly would have slipped her the pipe, but she just wasn't my type.  Best to avoid the situation.

[TBayXXXVII 2,351]

3 minutes ago, Alias Detective said:

Gross.  Her back is prolly 40 inches.

Nah, she's actually fairly tall (for a girl), and curvy.  My gf is 5'3", but her niece is 5'8".  Her parents are both 5'10".  My son and I are both 5'10" as well.  My gf is the runt of the litter.  

[TBayXXXVII 2,351]

3 minutes ago, Hawkeye21 said:

I'm not sure why she freaked out.  Did she not realize that situation before she said yes to dating him?

Never actually occurred to her.  It shouldn't really now either.  If my gf and I broke up, the two are nothing.  Even still, the "relation" is purely through a marriage that hasn't even happened yet.  I mean, her aunt and I aren't even engaged yet.

[Hawkeye21 2,181]

1 minute ago, TBayXXXVII said:

Never actually occurred to her.  It shouldn't really now either.  If my gf and I broke up, the two are nothing.  Even still, the "relation" is purely through a marriage that hasn't even happened yet.  I mean, her aunt and I aren't even engaged yet.

Well, she knows now.  She shouldn't let it bother her or effect her decision but she should be aware of how people are going to react, because people are a--holes when it comes to stuff like that.  Hopefully she can ignore them.

[5-Points 3,155]

So if I'm following correctly, they wanted to start dating and it made you and your gf a little uncomfortable. Now the niece wants to pump the breaks on the whole deal and you guys are trying to talk her back into it? 

 

[TBayXXXVII 2,351]

Just now, 5-Points said:

So if I'm following correctly, they wanted to start dating and it made you and your gf a little uncomfortable. Now the niece wants to pump the breaks on the whole deal and you guys are trying to talk her back into it? 

 

We didn't really try to pump the breaks at all, just gave them a heads up of the potential awkwardness if things didn't work out.  We never told them not to do it.  Between my gf and I, we have avoided this type of situation in the past, but we didn't tell these to avoid it.

[5-Points 3,155]

4 minutes ago, TBayXXXVII said:

We didn't really try to pump the breaks at all, just gave them a heads up of the potential awkwardness if things didn't work out.  We never told them not to do it.  Between my gf and I, we have avoided this type of situation in the past, but we didn't tell these to avoid it.

I understand, I was saying now the niece wants to pump the breaks...

[Hardcore troubadour 13,961]

I would bust balls about it. 

[TBayXXXVII 2,351]

Just now, 5-Points said:

I understand, I was saying now the niece wants to pump the breaks...

Yes.  She's hesitant because she thinks that people will hear that my son and my niece (after I marry her aunt), are dating.  People always ask others, how they met.  Sure, they'll say my dad is dating her aunt, or vice versa, but not everyone puts that together as "oh, they have mutual friends" (kind of thing), but as they're family and they're dating.  It's the stigma she's nervous about.

I think with social media being what it is today, context isn't as important as "shock value".  She thinks that people will say things on facebook or twitter and things get out of hand.  Obviously not on a national level or anything like that at all, but with maybe co-workers and stuff.  Both my son and (future), niece have co-workers as friends on social media.

[TBayXXXVII 2,351]

11 minutes ago, Hardcore troubadour said:

I would bust balls about it. 

Yeah, and my son would take it and laugh about it.  That's how he and I are... but girls, they're not always like us.

[Kopy 526]

I'm thinking something really big. A super bowl wager. If Tampa wins, it's a date. If KC wins, it's off. 

Let the G.O.A.T. steer the love train.